I showed him my bush... on skype.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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