Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
