I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
