Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
