the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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