I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
