I just saw a hot homeless man
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
