i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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