so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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