Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
