sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
