After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
