Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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