please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
