Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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