Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
