check it out our google latitudes are spooning
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
