just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
