he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
