I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
