I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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