i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
