the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Drunk is a universal language darling
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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