Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
be right there i have to get my cape
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
