I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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