based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
