I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
