my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
