Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
