I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize