I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
