dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
