You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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