I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
