Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
