Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
