oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
