so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
