I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
