i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
