Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
