he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
