I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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