After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
