Yo dont text me then not text me
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize