the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize