I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
