well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
