Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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