WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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