the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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