He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
