Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
