One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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