you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
