Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
