I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So here I am, sexting at work.
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