When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
What a dumb baby whore.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
