some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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