I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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