so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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