I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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