I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
